That one puff always takes me back to those solitary nights in winter in the land of kangaroos. Ten years have passed since. Never thought I would be here and now. In the condition I am in, here and now. Consistency leads to a steady hike. Yes, life gives its occasional faltering — big and small. The faltering I use as my stairs to be stronger. Each year, some pace were heavy, but steadily moving forward. Every step rooted deep into the ground.
Yesterday, I could barely stand up. My mind again roamed into the dark places I used to visit. That blackness enveloped with glee like an old friend. An Old Friend who greeted with the nastiest grin. That nasty grin I fear. The grin that could not wait to eat me up in its somberness. And when it did, every second felt like an hour, every hour felt like a day. That day felt like years of somberness. Unbearable.
I was somber, surrounded, inundated with question marks and what ifs. They disoriented me, dragging me to the insuffarable.
But I learnt, when in darkness, welcome him. Let him stay with you until he satisfies his hunger. And I let him indulge on every teardrop for hours until I fell asleep, and when I was asleep.
I woke up feeling like his leftover. My head was heavy but I was determined to turn the table.
I negotiated with the devil in my head. I said to him, I said . . . “Have my tears quenched your thirst? Are you full now, Old Friend?” I smiled. And that smile bored him. I was not fun anymore for I was not defeated after the beatup. The sun rose, he walked away. The sun set, he finally left, but of course only to return again I don’t know when. Oh he will come and visit again. I know that for sure. Knowing how he is. But Old Friend, I will always welcome him. Cause I know I will always win his boredom in the end. This time it’s one day. Next time who knows? Old Friend will have me suffer for his pleasure. But again, I always welcome him, and bore him with my light the next day. Because in the end, I know, that light within will always win.